Ever since that nice little email from the spammer who broke my heart, I’ve been scouring my InBox for replies from Mr. John Obi. Alas, his interest in me seems to have been as fleeting as I feared.

But that’s all right. Really, it is. I’ve always got Jenifa James to warm the cockles of my heart… wherever they are.

Dearest One,

See, now this is a much nicer form of address than ol’ John’s “Dear Sir/Madam”. Everyone likes to feel dear, don’t they? I know I do, at least. Which is why I found my dear Jenifa’s next line a bit confusing:

I am writting this letter with due respect and heartful of tears since we have not known or met ourselves previously.

Wait a minute, weren’t you the chick just addressing me as “Dearest One”? Now you tell me we don’t know each other and, in fact, we haven’t even met? What is this, a drunk email or something?

I am asking for your assistance after I have gone through a profile that speaks good of you. I want to find out if it’s possible for you to deal with individual as to investment. I came across your profile and I feel it’s highly reputable that is why I pick an interest getting across to you in respect of investment at my disposal.

Janifa, my dear, you really think my profile speaks good of me? Personally, I wouldn’t mind a little nip off the end of my nose and perhaps a bit stronger chin, but thanks. Oh, wait, you meant my online persona… well, now, if you think highly of a woman whose profile clearly says her first name is “Venomous” then I might just have some ocean front property in Arizona for you to consider with that investment at your disposal.

I will be so glad if you can allow me and lead me to the right channel towards your assistance to my situation now. I would like to use this opportunity to introduce myself to you.

Huh? You’re just now getting around to the introductions? Woman, what kind of bass-ackwards country do you come from?

I am jenifa James 22Years Old Lady from (cote d ivore) ,the only daughter of Late Micheal James

Ah, the Ivory Coast. It’s all starting to make sense now: the spelling errors, the bass-ackwardsness.

My father is now late he was a well known cocoa and gold merchant business man in my country( cote d ivore) ,he was poisoned by his co-business partner a year ago.

Cocoa, huh? I’m guessing your father wasn’t so much into the Swiss Miss variety as in the harvesting of the leaves. Am I right? Huh, am I? It’s okay, Jenifa, you can tell me. Why, I’m you’re Dearest One, remember?

Of course, I’m awfully sorry to hear about your father’s partner bumping him off. Then again, Jenifa, if your pappy wasn’t smart enough to foresee the risks of having a partner in the drug and gold business, well, perhaps the whole experience should just be chalked up to that “survival of the fittest” thing.

Tell me, Sweets: do you take after him?

The main reason why I am contacting you now is to seek your assistance in the area of my future investment and also for a help hand over some huge amount of money in my possession.

Translation: Daddy wasn’t into Swiss Miss. Gotcha.

This fund ( US5.6 Million dollars) is deposited in a bank in my country in (cote d’ivoire) a years ago by my father he made me the sole beneficiary.I am now asking you to stand on my behalf,to stand as my partner and in time of the claim and investment as well.

Awesome! What should I wear? I mean, I’ve never traveled to the Ivory Coast, but from what I’ve read it’s kind of warm down there, right? Y’all still have taxi’s though, right? I mean, I don’t expect you to pick me up at the airport or anything, so if you’ll just give me the name and address of the bank, and a time and date when you’ll be there, I’ll be happy to stand around while you do the sitting, deal?

I have made up my mind to offer you 13% of the total money while the remaining will go into a productive investment.

Sweet! Let’s see, 13% of US $5.6 million is $728,000. That’s a nice little chunk of change for just flying down there and standing around in some bank. Why, given your country’s economy with its GDP running around $645 per person, I could even live out my life-long dream of being a philanthropist Oprah-style and still have $708,000 left over.

Pls attach your direct and full information as you reply to me.

No problem, Friend. But just in case you didn’t get that email response of mine, here it is: Venomous Kate at the email address you already used. See, wasn’t that easy?

Thanks and remain bless. Best Regards, jenifaJames

Gezhundeit to you, too, Jenifa. Don’t forget to send me that info on the bank’s location and the time of our meeting, m’kay? I’d hate to let you down after you went to such great lengths to look up my profile and determine for yourself whether I’m reputable.

Meanwhile, please don’t take offense over the category I’ve filed our little email exchange under. It’s nothing personal. I just don’t have a blog category for complete strangers who contact me in the hope I’ll help them with their financial investments.