Posts tagged ‘wolf spider’

September 14th, 2010

How To Turn Your Morning Yoga Routine Into A Cardio Workout

by Venomous Kate

As I discovered about 30 minutes ago (thirty minutes which, I might add, I’ve spent letting my heart-rate return to normal) it goes like this:

  1. Assume the Downward-Facing Dog position.
  2. Add one big, freaking HUGE wolf spider falling from the ceiling down the back of your yoga pants.
  3. Scream, shimmy, shake, and scoot your ass across the floor trying to kill it.
  4. Barely manage to kill that sucker before he bites you by bouncing your ass against the wall a half-dozen times. (Meanwhile, marvel to yourself that you didn’t put a hole in the drywall.)
  5. Run to the front door to assure your neighbors that, yes, you’re perfectly fine… aside from the big, freaking HUGE wolf spider working its way down the back of your yoga pants.
  6. Smile politely, quietly shut front door, then run like hell to the shower and scrub the remnants of that big-freaking, HUGE wolf spider off of your now-sweaty ass.
  7. Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary until you stop feeling creepy, crawly feet on your buttocks.
    1. It works. Promise.