It’s here! It’s here! My amazing, gorgeous, sexy new phone is here! And, no, it’s not an iPhone.

After settling our differences with Verizon — specifically, getting them to reverse several billing errors plus retroactively lower our calling plan from the one we had to the one we should’ve had — we decided not to change carriers. To top it off, I was due for my “new every two” free upgrade which, unfortunately, wasn’t so free after all.

Oh, it would’ve been free had I gone with one of the standard LG phones as I intended. But then a cute little golden-blond number caught my eye and I figured, what the heck, a mere $29.95 isn’t too much to pay for love. (Incidentally, if you find yourself lusting after mine, Amazon is offering exact same phone for $9.98 to new Verizon customers.)

Mobile web? Got it. Texting and instant messaging? Yep, got those, too. What about email? You betcha, baby.

But wait, there’s more!

Can it play video? Streaming flawlessly. Bluetooth? Of course. How about music? Why, I’m already listening to it! Pictures? Any way you want them: color, black and white, sepia, antique or looking like a negative. No, it doesn’t do dishes, but it does have a full QWERTY keyboard while still remaining sleek enough to fit in my pocket.

The only drawback: I had to use the crappy camera on my old Treo 600 to take pictures of my new one. Which is ok, I suppose, since it’s relegated to serving as a paperweight now that I’ve got me a ‘trophy phone.’

Check her out below the fold.

Full frontal phone!

Open wide and say “Oooh!”

Spread eagled and sexy as hell.

I love it. Now, if I can just figure out how to actually make a phone call.