Technology Lets Me Reverse My Mother’s Curse

by Venomous Kate

If you’re a female, you know the curse I’m talking about. The one your mother uttered in the midst of one of your teenage, tear-stained, incoherent outbursts. The one where she squinted her eyes, pursed her lips and, with hands on hips, said, “Someday, I hope you have a daughter exactly like you.”

I was 14 when my mother bestowed the maternal curse on me. At the time, I’d sworn off having children. The very thought of wiping snotty noses and even ickier bottoms was gnarly, dude. Like, ohmigod, I was SO going to be a Bolshoi ballerina, despite never having taken a ballet class. (They’d recognize my natural talent, I was certain.) Or maybe a TV foreign reporter covering exotic locales for the 5 o’clock news which would be early enough that I’d still have time to sit in wood-paneled bars chain-smoking Galoises and sipping absinthe cocktails. (The notion of time zones eluded me.) Or even… wait for it… the first female President of the United States.

Yes, I was going to live a glamorous, child-free life clad in designer duds I’d ferry from one 4-star hotel to another. What did I care about having a daughter just like me. Flash forward a mere decade and, sure enough, my first child was a girl. Speed the life tape up another decade and, sure enough, my daughter is just like me.

Which means, of course, that she’s got a smart-ass comeback to just about any situation. Her verbal judo is a force to be reckoned with. I know this because my self-esteem and sanity barely survived her teens. Then again, for the same reasons, she barely survived them herself.

Now that she’s almost 20 years old we’ve finally made peace. Her company is actually a comfort to me, and I am constantly awed by what a wonderful person she’s turned out to be. (As long as I don’t read her Facebook page.) In fact, we’re close enough that I can joke with her about how my mother drives me nuts these days, and she’s thanked me on more than one occasion for being nothing like my own mother. Considering how hard I work at that, it meant a lot to me that she noticed.

With that said, I do sometimes miss her histrionic outbursts. Oh, not the ones that were directed at me, mind you, but some of them were so pointed, so burn-and-salt lethal, that I used to wonder where the hell she got that kind of venom. Then, of course, I’d pass by a mirror and totally get it.

From what I read over at Techcrunch today, I might be able to put my daughter’s skills to good use. See, apparently Gmail now allows users to delegate responsibility for replying to email to other Gmail users.

So that next bitchy letter from my mother railing about how I don’t visit often enough, how I don’t call, how I should smoke/drink/weigh/work/expect less? Yeah, I am SO letting my kid answer it while pretending she’s me.

7 Comments to “Technology Lets Me Reverse My Mother’s Curse”

  1. that is awesome! and comforting to know you survived your daughters teen years.

  2. Those last three paragraphs made me laugh — now I almost wish I had a daughter for that!

  3. @Red, It was close. So close that VH and I often say we only made it through by a shot.

    @K. Andreas H – Thanks, but you’re probably better off without the grey hair they bring!

  4. What about the sons of woman like this? We are the real victims in the family? Lied to our hole lifes about our dead father who died in the war, being told your real father is your stepfather for some strange reason? Yup you could say I had a mother like this in my life, to bad my father didn’t have the ball’s to put his foot down to mom and set things straight for the family! I have kid that got kidnnaped that are showing up in TV Stations for some strange reason? I’m being told I’m a lier? One mother of one of my kids who sits in her TV station in NY City, Having mark suck ass and bill gates getting into my facebook page and myspace and twitter, and email address! My advice to any guy who has a woman in there family that has an attitude like this is, Find yourself a nice girl that don’t drop her panties at the sight of a big bank account. Your better off that way :-) Hi there to all the MOM’s of my kids I don’t know!

  5. Kate, have read and enjoyed your blog for years… and if you can figure out the comment above from Duane, you’re a better person than me….

  6. Brandan, Try reading. Any mother daughter team so to speek with attitudes, Most of the time are the girls that feel ruining a guys life just for the fun of it or for spite for some little thing they feel there guy did are the girls to stay away from. I know I had Three such women in my life, Mother, sister, and ex girlfriend. There the type of girl that will cheat on there husbands, boyfriends. Seen it with my own eyes. Than they will sit back with there girlfriends and try blaming everything that went wrong on the guy! Most of the time girls with smart come backs are not all that smart, They hide behind a smart ass mouth. When there really not all that smart! Do we get it now?

  7. Brendan, I think ultimately Duane’s problem is that he refuses to believe what everyone else says about him.