The winner (despite your “votes”) is:

Schizoid with:
Figure 3b. Atypical pinocchism with no nasal deformity.

Honorable mentions:

Will with:
If you experience your tie pointing sideways for more than four hours, contact your dry cleaner.

and

Ike with:
“Not to worry, Mr. Axelrod… to get the maximum possible impact for each phrase of empty rhetoric, we’ve programmed his tie to indicate which prompter he ought to face.”