Ever find yourself reading a book about a character whose life and outlook are so like your own that each time you encounter a funny passage you have to stop, put the book down and go to the bathroom so you don’t pee all over yourself while laughing? No?
Maybe it’s just me.
Still, any mom who’s given up a stimulating career and stylish shoes to stay home raising her offspring will no doubt relate to Amy Scheibe’s debut novel. In What Do You Do All Day? (St. Martin’s Press 2005), former antiquities expert Jennifer Bradley struggles with the same dilemma facing today’s Stay-At-Home Moms (SAHM): Who am I now? How come I’m so tired all the time? Why aren’t I as happily fulfilled as all the other moms seem to be? What’s wrong with me???
So often we SAHMs wonder if there’s some secret that would transform our messy, chaotic, tantrum-filled homes into the crumb-free, immaculate and polished lifestyle that everyone else seems to lead. We wonder if ours are the only children whose mastery of projectile vomiting enables them to reach their bedroom ceilings, and if we’re the only mom in the world who’d prefer painting over the puke to trying to clean it. We look to our husbands to remind us of the women we once were — and hope to one day be again — only to find that our husbands don’t really comprehend what it’s like to be an adult whose primary companions are small, demanding children who never seem grateful for the sacrifices we’ve made to have and raise them.
Rarely — very rarely — do we actually talk with each other to ask: Do you feel this way, too? Because one thing that’s not a secret is how many other mothers there are who, like sharks with chum, will gleefully rip you to shreds at the first admission of inadequacy, the first sign that by singling you out as the epitome of a “Bad Mommy” they can convince themselves they are so very much better than you.
So what’s a girl to do?
Answer: run to your nearest bookstore and buy this book, then read it in your jammies with a glass of milk and cookies while your husband takes care of the kids for a change. Girlfriend, you’ll find out you are normal and, like Jennifer Bradley, you just need to find your own way to make life work.
Monday, October 31st, 2005, 12:28 pm | 
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October 31, 2005 at 1:33 pm
When my first two were little, I was in a new state, with very few friends and no car during the day. I know exactly how that feels.
And, to this day – more than anything – I loathe those women who would make you feel shitty for not being “perfect.”
November 1, 2005 at 10:23 am
Redemption comes when you have grandchildren and live just far enough away from them that it is discretionary on your part when you want to play with them.
November 1, 2005 at 10:47 am
I have always seen men as competitive in school, sports, work, etc. But the compettion was mixed w/ teamwork, and the competition was out in the open and accepted as the norm – fairly healthy behavior. I am always amazed (growing up w/ 3 sisters and married for 10 yrs) how women are competitive in a destructive way. Kate – I told the wife about this post and she nodded in understanding and agreement. Was there ever an idyllic time in the old pioneer days where communites of women worked together instead of undercutting/one-upping each other out of insecurity?
November 1, 2005 at 11:49 am
LOL – Mike there has NEVER been a time like that. That’s why I always laugh when I get emails from women who think they could run everything better than men… Um – yeah – you ever been on a committee with all women? I rest my case.
Have I mentioned lately how happy I am that my kids are not small any more? Of course back in the day (gads I feel old!) I was home with the kids and there was no internet or blogosphere or even women I’d want to go hang with and chit chat for the morning. I think the 5 years I was a SAHM were about the most lonely in my entire life… but I made it through. We all do eventually.
November 2, 2005 at 8:32 am
“Perfect mommies” make me puke, though not projectile (something I was spared as a mother and I am grateful.)
I really did have it easy. I could ‘escape’ when I needed to and thanks to my mother, I had no doubt my children were “perfect”. She just couldn’t understand how I ended up with them.
November 2, 2005 at 9:21 am
Sometimes staying at home sounds better then working in job that pays the bills. I feel like I am a mindless paper pusher, who feels that, what I do at work does not make a difference in the world.
Of course it makes a huge difference to my family. We moved to a nicer neighborhood of older homes. I have a decent house with a half-acre yard with lots of beautiful trees and a great tree house that me and my 11 year old son built this summer. My son frequently says that moving to this new neighborhood was the best thing that has happened to him (smile).
My job with its decent pay and great benefits has contributed greatly to his comfort and happiness. I understand this, but of course I am trapped here (or somewhere else doing the same thing) for at least the next 8-10 years. However I still get up in the morning and go to my job that I don’t like, because its what I need to do to help fullfill my obilgations as a parent. Kate many of us (particularly men) do not have choices about working or staying home with the kids (making a huge difference in the world by raising capable adults).
November 2, 2005 at 10:49 am
The Venomous Hubby and I have this very conversation at least once a month, Jeff. He points out that he doesn’t have a choice about going to work, whereas — he says — I do. I always have to remind him that, at least in marriage, choices are made by two people together.
That is to say, I wouldn’t be a SAHM unless he and I had decided, together, that it’s best for our kids. Likewise, if he were to decide that he wanted to stay home with them rather than work (as he did when we were first married) then I would have to go back to work (as I did when we were first married).
We all have choices, it’s just that sometimes one of the options is so undesireable or inconceivable to us that we can’t recognize it as an alternative.
As for Mike’s question whether women have always been like this… Sure. Just as men compete in athletics and other efforts which “prove” their masculinity, women are competitive in areas which “prove” our femininity. What is more patently uber-female than birthing and raising children?
November 2, 2005 at 5:20 pm
Jeff – you have to think of things the other way around! There are those rare individuals who just LOVE kids – and believe me they are rare – most people love their kids, but few find true fulfillment being 24/7 in their company… LOL. In which case being a SAHM or DAHM is the most wonderful thing in the world – it truly makes them happy.
For the rest of us – who love our kids, want to raise them well, and want them to go on to become good responsible adults…we ALL give up quite a lot of things. Be you a father who is working at an uninspiring job because it does good things for your family… then coming home at the end of the day to be the dad. Be you a mother who works because the family can’t survive on one income or to keep your “spot” in the work world… and then comes home to be the mom. Or be you a SAHM or DAHM (yes I’ve known a few of these rare men) who are at home all day with the kids because you can survive on one income OR the job you could have – doesn’t even pay for child care costs.
Each parent gives up things to make their child’s life better or more comfortable. We would all just love to be doing something “important” being a rocket scientist or curing cancer… but even without kids – those sorts of lives come to very very few of us. We would each love to be able to do things just for us – and not have to worry about how it will effect a family…
The thing is – even if we only had to consider ourselves… if we could do whatever we wanted…it is highly unlikely that life would be a whole lot different! Mainly because most of the people we know are doing the same thing we are doing – raising a family. So – if you weren’t at home with kids – your friends wouldn’t be available to hang out with you… so you’d be at home alone or out at a bar… How different would your job REALLY be?
We always think that we have it worse – the grass is always greener… it just ain’t so – it’s a flawed perception and it causes much heartache. I’ve been a SAHM and I work out of my house rather than an office… I can tell you from experience – you are HIGHLY overrating the charms of spending all your time at home! Even a very nice home.
November 2, 2005 at 5:22 pm
LOL – and I can’t even get my acronyms right!!! Good grief – that’s what I get for trying to write a comment and work at the same time! Stay at Home Dad… yeah – I need a break from the computer I think!